me. God. God and me.

Sunday night was a rough night - I was really upset, cause I'd just found out that I might not be able to go home for Christmas. Cause of lack of money basically. Had spoken to dad; him and mum had talked and suggested that I should prioritize putting all my finances towards the course and basic living expenses and not come home for Christmas. Which ofcourse is true, specially if I'm going to be dependent on other people's gifts.. Need to learn to live frugally. And missing home isn't necessarily bad. As in- it feels terrible, but isn't necessarily evil.

It was just really hard cause I couldn't face the thought of being away from home for Christmas.. I was so upset. And I didn't even talk to God about it, I was just upset and angry at the situation. Sent a text to Solveig saying how I felt and that I might not be coming home. Went to bed crying and feeling confused and angry at myself for not being able to accept the fact that it might be a good learning experience to spend Christmas away.. all I ended up praying before I fell asleep was along the lines of God, if it's selfish to want to go home when so many people don't have the chance? Didn't have to wait for an answer, cause yeah, if I'm honest - I'm human - I want things for my own good, thus I am selfish.

I woke up in the middle of the night, the phone was ringing, it was Solveig. She asked me why I couldn't come home, I said "cause I don't have enough money"- she said "it's an answer to prayers!" I was like "what.." Then she explained she had an amount from her tithing which she didn't know who/what to give to..she'd been praying about it and still didn't have a clue, until she got my text. So basically, she wanted to put it towards my Christmas ticket (and it's the amount I needed)!

Next morning I woke up and was still confused..felt even worse actually. Like, "either God's really blessed me, or He's been really mean letting Solveig say a thing like that if I'm not supposed to go home for Christmas" -cause I still had this fear that I should be putting the money towards the cost of the year instead of Christmas. And in a sense, that's really what I should be doing. So that day I was emotionally drained, but Amy prayed for me in class about having my hope in God, and that He would be enough for me, no matter what.. which really calmed me a lot. That's what I want to learn this year.

Lately, God's really been trying to show me His Father heart for me... and when I was praying later that night about it I just opened up and felt Him saying kind of "why can't you just accept my blessing? No strings attatched.. I just want to bless you. I love you.." and this I love you over and over again.. It was really hard to accept cause I so often feel yeah but I have to this or I have to that and (all you who know me well will recognize) I never feel I'm good enough... So it was really good to just force myself to sit there and let it sink in. He loves me. And He just wanted to surprise me with a little Christmas gift like that... It's just so special.

For those of us who are so hard on ourselves. For good reason (it's always for good reason, there's always implications of what we do) - but then God just surprises. With some little thing that's so precious for you. And it makes me so thankful.

Can you believe we have a God like that - who's jealous of our love - who actually wants a relationship with us? Me? So unperfect in love, so unfaithful. And His Father heart longs for me to become His child, through God's sacrifice of becoming human; the God Almighty was pierced through the centre of His heart when Father Son were separated... For my sake. In the Spirit's raising Jesus from the curse of sin, death, I am raised in Him to new life as God's daughter...

Wow (!!) We have an awesome God.

And I'm loved. Hihi ;)